


Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

by oldfritz



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Other, Pie, fagatoni group chat this is for you, luna turn around. do not look at your boy, sighs, we wrote this on a school device. help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29134458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldfritz/pseuds/oldfritz
Summary: Ancap wonders what pussy feels like
Relationships: Anarcho-Capitalist/Pie, Anarcho-Capitalist/White Identitarian | Nazi (Centricde), Anarcho-Communism/Communism (Centricide), also implied, implied
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

**Author's Note:**

> so we like to use "human" names so here's your key
> 
> Andrew = Ancap  
> Jay = Ancom  
> Joseph = Communist  
> James = Nazi  
> Jackson/Hugo = Hoppean
> 
> we do not apologize

"What does it feel like?" Andrew asked. He was sunk in a beanbag chair next to Jay, both high off their asses on different drugs (cocaine and marijauna respectively). Qi thought for a moment, or maybe qi was just processing the question in qi's dazed state, before answering.

"It feels like... Warm apple pie.”

“Warm apple pie?” Andrew asked, skeptical.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what pus feels like,” qi giggled a bit, “And ass feels like those little water toys.”

“The ones with dinosaurs in them?”

“Exactly.” Andrew gave a small huh, he wouldn’t have guessed that apple pie and that muscle could be comparable. He stood, taking a second to keep balance, and looked down at Jay.

“Well, this has been quite fun! I’ll send you the bill for the weed,” He said the latter half quickly and quietly, not that qi noticed. Andrew gave a pivot turn and walked out of the room, bouncy due to the cocaine high. 

* * *

As he entered the living area of the house, the smell of roasted vegetables and cinnamon filled the air. He followed the scent into the kitchen, where Joseph was working his magic. Andrew watched and entertained the thought of exploiting this talent of Joseph’s for a youtube series, but pushed it away.

“Whatcha making?” Andrew asked. Joseph looked up, flour on his hands.

“I’m cooking,” Joseph said, “Apple pie for dessert.”

_Apple pie._

How fun! Just after his interesting conversation, he’s being given an experiment! Andrew smiled.

“Sounds delicious, when will the pie be done?”

“Soon,” Joseph was preparing to go back to his work before looking up at Andrew, “Don’t touch it.”

“I never would!” Andrew exclaimed. He did another pivot and heard the familiar grunt of _kulak_ as he left the kitchen. 

* * *

  
  


The pie sat in the kitchen. All alone. Andrew stared at it, imagining that the pie was a woman instead. A beautiful woman, who smelled of cinnamon and warm bread, whose curves were perfect, who _felt_ like warm apple pie. He marched towards her, she who was bent over the counter. He imagined her shoulders, warm and slightly tanned, freckled maybe. With luscious curls falling down her back. She was beckoning him. He stood behind her now, her bottom pressed against his groin.

“Come to papa,” he said under his breath before whipping out his little jack and shoving it inside of her. However, he was quickly brought back to reality. He was banging a pie. It was warm and sticky, but the warmth became excruciating heat. Maybe if he moved faster the pain would cease, so he tried. Grunting as he made a mess of the pie, filling and crust flying around the counter. He wasn’t experiencing pleasure, but he was stubborn, he was determined to finish. He was so lost in his own head that he didn’t hear James walk in.

“What the hell are you doing?!” James yelled. Andrew looked up and the pair locked eyes. James was disgusted and Andrew was slowly realizing the situation, “Get your dick out of the pie, Andrew.” Andrew complied, fully realizing the degeneracy he just fell into. His little jack burned and hurt to touch, he couldn’t put it back in his pants. “Christ,” James said as he walked towards the capitalist, “Go shower, jeez.” 

* * *

Andrew walked back into the kitchen where James stood, arms crossed like a disappointed father. The pie was still on the table, absolutely ravaged by Andrew’s pounding. He was shocked that Joseph hadn’t found it yet, though Joseph would certainly murder Andrew when he did find out.

“You’ll have to tell him,” James said, “So what’s your lie going to be?”

“I’ll blame it on Jackson, he’s an asshole, Joseph will believe it!”

“You’re not blaming our son for your mistake,” James scolded, “I’m changing his name, by the way.”

“Why? I’m the one who owns him, er, has custody of him!” Before James could reply, Andrew spoke again, “I’ll buy another pie. Joseph won’t realize.”

“Oh no, he’ll realize,” James assured, “But go ahead, replace it.” He uncrossed his arms and began to leave the kitchen, “Hoppean’s _new_ name is going to be Hugo.” He added, before leaving.

* * *

At the dinner table, Joseph served roasted vegetables with juicy meat to everyone (except James). Andrew and James glanced at each other as the meal came to an end, fearful for Joseph’s inevitable discovery.

“Jay,” Joseph said, “There’s pie in the kitchen, can you bring it out?” Joseph’s tone was kind, as it always was with his partner. Qi nodded and slid out of qi’s chair and headed to the kitchen. Andrew was relieved, there was no way Jay would notice. Qi was too high for it. However, James looked like he was bursting a vein.

“So, Joseph,” Andrew said, trying to ease the room, “Where were you all day? You disappeared after the pie was done.”

“Oh, I was taking my son to doctor,” He emphasized “my”.

“So you weren’t home? And you didn’t hear anything strange?” James asked.

“No, did something happen?” Joseph asked, now concerned.

“Well, I think Andrew has something to share.”

“No I don’t,” Andrew insisted. The two rightists bickered, much to Joseph’s confusion, until Jay brought the apple pie in. It was clearly different, it wasn’t as pretty and was clearly store bought, but at least it hadn’t been fucked.


End file.
